Ten

 

"There's something wrong," she said.

Well of course there is

"You're still alive," she said.

Oh, and do I deserve to be?

Is that the question?

And if so, if so who answers? Who answers?

- Alive, Pearl Jam (from the album Ten)

I wouldn't say I've ever been suicidal over Dominic's death, but would I trade places with him? Absolutely.

Today he'd be 10 years old.

Nobody deserves the fate he got.

We think of all the missed milestones. The birthday parties, the visits to family, playing with friends, going to school... all of it never to pass. Just fake memories built up in our minds to torture us when they see fit.

We're lucky that we now have a daughter to dispel a bit of that horror by having her dreams come to life. She gets to go to dance class, be invited to more parties than time allows, and start every day by crawling in to bed for some extra cuddles.

We heard of yet another family whose child was taken from them last week. If they read this, please know we feel your pain. Know that it never gets easier, but it does become less frequent. You're not less of a bereaved parent for noticing this - and you will. You are strong enough to deal with it, but that doesn't mean you have to be strong all the time.

Especially that first year, every milestone tends to send you into a tailspin. Heck, I'm at work today (Trish takes his birthday off every year and tends to turn her phone off too). For me it's not so much the milestones as the memories that get me. The wrong song at the wrong time on the radio? Yep. Can't predict it, can't see it coming.

Ten is supposed to be a big milestone. As all of Dominic's early friends turned 10 this year, it definitely built this one up a little more. And yeah, today hurts a little more. Trish went and put out balloons at his bench like we do every birthday, and this year it was a 1 and a 0.

We'll see tomorrow. We'll keep doing good things in his name.

If you'd like to give Dom a birthday present, consider a donation to Helping Families Handle Cancer, or a purchase from our online store (which closes at 5 p.m. today). There are other families who could use the support.