Strong self

Three years ago today my beautiful and wonderful baby boy was born. He was a huge surprise and miracle when we found out we were pregnant. I truly didn't believe it until I was about six months pregnant. I kept asking the doctor if I was still pregnant.

We'd had two miscarriages before we got pregnant with Dom. They were fairly early on, but I couldn't allow myself to get excited when I was afraid I might lose the baby again. And so finally I got excited and accepted that we were actually going to have a baby. We were going to be parents and I was going to be a mom. 

He should have turned three today. But this year we are "celebrating" it without him. This year, he is not here to open presents or blow out candles on a cake. 

This year we are alone. We are devastated, hearts broken and in pieces. 

He did not lose his battle with cancer! He fought until his last moments on Earth. I hate the word "lose," it makes it sound like he gave up and he didn't. He fought and fought until his little body couldn't handle it anymore, but his spirit and will fought till the last second. 

We've had our ups and downs since Dom's death.  Our friends have tried really hard to "keep the bereaved parents busy" which we appreciate. But I think of him every second of every day. Keeping busy will not take my mind off of the fact that my baby is dead. 

I broke the other day, completely and totally. I stayed in bed all day crying. I received a letter from one of Dominic's primary medical team and I crumbled as I read it. I'd been waiting to hear from them and when I finally did something in me just crumbled.

I needed it, to finally close a chapter on the hospital and our life there, but at the same time I don't think I was ready. I don't think I would ever have been ready for it. I have an amazing husband who knew not to try and fix me that day. He knew that I needed the day to cry and he let me. And I love him so much for being my rock and a puddle with me when we both need it. 

I'm a pretty private person (hard to believe sometimes with the posts I've written), but with my true grief I tend to want to be alone. I want privacy to fall apart and not be on display. Therefore I don't cry with people. I believe you have to put your strong self forward. Even at the hospital, I can count on one hand how many times I cried with our staff. Once it was on the day a little friend of ours died. I didn't say anything to the nurses and went to our room to be alone and a couple followed me to see if I was OK. I wasn't and neither were they. And we cried. Another time was when they told us that Dominic had relapsed. We'd been through so much for the bone marrow transplant and to hear that it failed nearly killed me. But we took a couple minutes of crying and then asked what was the next steps. What else could we do? Show your strong self.

So if you see happy pictures of us, please know that we are showing our strong self to the world. Inside we are breaking and crying and trying to keep it together. We are a thousand pieces and trying to see how these new pieces can fit together without a major piece there to hold it all together. 

We are not super strong or amazing people. We are just normal people trying not to fall apart and die each day. Show your strong self and eventually you might be strong again.